Lately, I have been seeing glimpses of the little girl I once was peeking from the corners of my mind. Nay was her name. She was spunky. A bit of a ham. Had a rambunctious imagination. She was what my grandmother would call “fresh”. Nay was known as “Mikey” (readers from 45-50 years of age should know who Mikey is). She would try anything. She had a big love and willingness to befriend any and everybody, especially the underdog. She shared everything, to be liked, but she was a sharer. She cried easily. Moreover, she had a laughter that could make the hardest person in the room to crack and smile, too. This Little Nay is now peeking at my almost-fifty-year-old self, with woefully sad eyes and asking, “What happened?”
I’ve been afraid to pull her from around the peripherals of my mind and onto my lap to look her in the face to give her the sad but true answer of: Conditionings and Programming. I can imagine her looking at me strangely, because even as I contemplate all of the conditionings that I have undergone in these years, I don’t completely understand how the shit happened or when. It has been a whirlwind from so many, and I feel like for women we get whammied by multiples at one time. And puhleeze don’t be a woman of color, it’s coming at you from all sides, top and bottoms included. By the time you’ve been “shaped” by these conditionings, you reach a certain age, and you are unrecognizable and robotic of sorts. So much so, that you can only get small foretastes and feels of what you once were, but because you are such a robot you only know how to respond programmatically, shooing away even the faint remembrances of who you once were.
The struggle is real, because you have to imagine that every interaction you have had in your life up until present has conditioned you into where you are now. The first time you felt your mother or father’s wrath. The first day you were in kindergarten and experienced being made fun of for the first time. That church or religious service that dictated who you were supposed to be, act, and feel. That first boyfriend or girlfriend that broke your heart. The jobs you held that dictated your look and demeanor in the office. Those set of friends or group that dictated for acceptance you had to wear this certain “uniform” to be counted. That longtime boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife you married that held deep connection to and in you, dictating unspoken rules of what it was to actually be with and keep them happy. This names only a few. To be clear all conditionings are not bad. Some of them refined you. Some of them helped you to accentuate who you are. From some you have developed habits to help you to get to where you currently are in life mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially. It would be unfair and overly dramatic to lament all of the conditionings, as some of it was helpful to assist in growing up and functioning in the world around you.
I am more so leaning into the conditionings that have pulled you away from that Little Person that you once were. When you saw full spectrum color instead of black, white, and gray. When you would dance at the drop of a hat without thinking who was watching. When you use to take to magic markers and crayons with a blank page and color with abandoned, demanding that your family put it on the refrigerator. How about the times you walked up to that other little person and asked if you could be their friend and by the end of two hours of playing with one another, you were “cousins”? All of this sounds juvenilely strange, young, and inappropriate, doesn’t it? You probably have a frown on your face right now and are thinking “Chile, Bye, I ain’t doing none of that shit. I’m much too grown!” No, you are not grown, my friend. I would like to entreat you to look at the noose of programming and conditionings that may have you in a chokehold. We are failing to understand that that Inner Little Person holds the bounty of joy that you are now “too grown” for. It is a wonder that so many of us are walking around lonely, overworked, angry, stuffy, lack luster, and dissatisfied! I don’t know about you, but I can attest to feeling all six of those adjectives on any given day, and just recently. The things that we used to do as children are the very things that America is making big money on. For example, coloring books to date have sold 12 million copies. Coloring pencil sells have grossed $74-79 million. Meeting people through on-line services have cleared $4.07 billion in 2024, and the year is not over yet! Yeah, childish shit is making its paper boo boo!
I am choosing to be brave to pull Little Nay from the back of me where she stands with her head down and slumped shoulders in between my legs and pull up her chin. I am also letting her know that she is seen, important, valued and needed. Here are some of the things I am doing as an ode and hug to Little Nay:
Journaling: I am a big proponent for journaling, of which, I do at least four times a week. My favorite is the Inner Sacred Space & Sanctuary Check In Journal that allows you to check in with yourself in the morning and evening. This world will have you running crazy checking into everything else but yourself. This journal keeps me honest by making sure I am in touch with my “inner star player”, in the words of Katt Williams. My other favorite is the Queen of Integration Healing journal, which goes deep, but has you digging into the tattered toy box of your childhood to gain an understanding of the conditionings that caused you to lose touch with your Inner Little Person.
Ruminate: What did you absolutely love doing as a child? One of the things I enjoyed was dancing. My mother was a professional ballroom dancer and so from her I grew to love dancing, practicing imperfect pirouettes, pointed toes, and revelees. I danced all through high school, college, and even studied African dance for about twenty years. And guess what? I stopped because of weight discrimination and dumb bullshit in the community of dance. Conditionings and programming! This year I went to a conference and danced, realizing I still really love doing it. I smiled big. My energy expanded, and I was glad that I could still move! Take some time to think about not only what you did but how you felt doing the things that brought you joy as a child. This energy of expansion is still available for you to tap into.
List and Research: It is a beautiful summer in Chicago at present. After thinking about all I love doing, I set out to create a list of events around the city that I am holding myself accountable to go and explore at least three of these each month until October. After thinking, allow yourself to list those elements that made you joyful and then do searches to indulge that joy. Google search events, on-line seminars, conferences, and groups that feed that interest. When you are out and about running your grown-up errands, be on the lookout for activities around your city. This serves two things: First, and obviously, you will bring that ember of contentment into your life, which will ablaze other areas. Second, you will get the hell out of your house and meet other people…damn Gina! You never know you might catch a third win and connect with the love of your life or find your soul tribe, or both!
Commit and Participate: It’s one thing to journal, think, and research. It is quite another thing to commit. This is one of my main problems, committing to myself. One of the first things I put on my list was to go to an evening farmer’s market downtown. It is something about markets that makes me emote to a time in life that was easy, slow, and friendly. Whatever you have to do to commit, whether it’s putting the event on your phone calendar, telling a friend to keep you accountable, or putting a reward system in place to commend yourself for actually doing the thing, put a plan in place to keep you moving and showing up in your life live and in color.
I keep thinking life is short and filled with obligations and “to do” lists. Somehow, an integration has to be struck between your very adult self that must include your Inner Child. As you continue this life that has its share of doing very hard things every day, take the responsibility to pull your Little Person from behind your back and pull them into yourself to give way to the joy that indulgence allows!
Love you to the moon and back,
Jeanetta